More Bad Musician Jokes

What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombonist in the road?
Skid marks in front of the snake.

What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
The country singer may  have been headed to a recording session.

What's the range of a good tuba?
Ten yards, if you have a good arm.

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.

What does a timpanist say when he gets to his gig?
"Would you like fries with that?"

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None...they have computers to do that now.

What did the timpanist write on his IQ test?
Nothing at all.

What's the definition of a quarter tone?
A harpist tuning his unison strings.

How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
The bow is moving.

What do violinists use for birth control?
Their personalities.

How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
Sit in the back and don't play.

What's the difference between a violist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.

How do you get a violist to play downbow staccato?
Put a tenuto mark over a whole note and mark it "solo."

Why are violins smaller than violas?
They are really the same size...violinists' heads are larger.

What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
The coffin has the corpse inside.

Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to re-train the cellists.

Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist?
He turned a peg and wouldn't tell him which one.

How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?
One...she just holds on and the world revolves around her.

What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO?
You can negotiate with the PLO.

A musician calls that symphony office to talk to the conductor and is told he is dead.  He calls back 25 times and receives the same message from the receptionist, who finally asks why he keeps calling.  "I just like to hear you say it."

"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."