Guaranteed to insult every musician...
What's the definition of a string quartet?
A good violinist, a bad violinist, a failed violinist and someone who hates violinists.
How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and play the wrong notes.
How do you make a drummer play softer?
Give him music.
What's the definition of a minor second?
Two oboe players playing in unison.
When does a violist drool out of both sides of his mouth?
When the floor is level.
How do you put a sparkle in a soprano's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
How do you get to piccolos to play a perfect unison?
Shoot one.
What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.
Why to clarinetists leave their cases on their dashboards?
So the can park in handicapped zones.
What's the definition of a nerd?
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.
What's the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax?
You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.
If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions--an in-tune tenor sax player, an out of tune sax player, or Santa Clause?
The out of tune tenor sax player. The other two don't exist.
How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five--one to handle the bulb and the other four to tell him how much better they could have done it.
A true opera lover is a man who upon hearing a beautiful blonde soprano singing in the power, puts his ear to the keyhole.
Opera--when someone on stage is stabbed, and sings instead of bleeds.
What's the definition of a quarter-tone?
Two violinists playing the same note.
What do you call fifty banjo players at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
Why are violist's fingers like lightening?
They rarely strike the same place twice.
What the difference between a sax and a chain saw?
Vibrato.
Why is a violinist like a scud missile?
Both are inaccurate and highly offensive.
How is a bassoon different from an onion?
No one cries when you cut up a bassoon.
What is the range of a viola?
About 30 feet, if you kick it hard enough.
Why do bagpipers walk around when they play?
To get away from the noise.
How can you tell when a tenor is at your door?
He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.
What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
The viola burns longer.
How many altos does it take to change a light bulb?
None...they can't get up that high.
How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten...one to change the bulb and nine to say, "I could have done that."
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