I couldn't find a video that my nephew, Daniel, was in alone. The only one I could find is this Oscar "Gonna Win" parody of the movies from this year. Daniel is the "middle aged bald man with a chair." Jo is in this one as well, at the end with "Steven Hawking." The only movie I recognize is American Sniper, and it is hard to miss the actors playing Steven Hawking and Martin Luther King. Other than that I have no idea what any of the other scenes represent, even the one Daniel is in. I have absolutely no idea what the guy in his underwear in the middle of Hollywood is doing.
Saturday, February 21, 2015
VIDEO: Oscar Parody
I couldn't find a video that my nephew, Daniel, was in alone. The only one I could find is this Oscar "Gonna Win" parody of the movies from this year. Daniel is the "middle aged bald man with a chair." Jo is in this one as well, at the end with "Steven Hawking." The only movie I recognize is American Sniper, and it is hard to miss the actors playing Steven Hawking and Martin Luther King. Other than that I have no idea what any of the other scenes represent, even the one Daniel is in. I have absolutely no idea what the guy in his underwear in the middle of Hollywood is doing.
Friday, February 20, 2015
VIDEO: The Happiest Birthday
I love this video. My nephew, Sean Hackman, wrote it and I love his humor (most of the time)! He also plays the main character and narrates the video.
Thursday, February 19, 2015
VIDEO: Jo's Glasses Commercial
I love my family and am proud of their accomplishments. I just wanted to share a video of my nephew's (Daniel) wife, Joanna. I think she does a great job here. Love you, Jo!
Saturday, January 31, 2015
Things We Can Learn From a Dog
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps and stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle him or her gently.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and way your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout...run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joys of long walks.
--author unknown--
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps and stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle him or her gently.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and way your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout...run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joys of long walks.
--author unknown--
Friday, January 30, 2015
More Bad Musician Jokes
What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombonist in the road?
Skid marks in front of the snake.
What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
The country singer may have been headed to a recording session.
What's the range of a good tuba?
Ten yards, if you have a good arm.
What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.
What does a timpanist say when he gets to his gig?
"Would you like fries with that?"
How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None...they have computers to do that now.
What did the timpanist write on his IQ test?
Nothing at all.
What's the definition of a quarter tone?
A harpist tuning his unison strings.
How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
The bow is moving.
What do violinists use for birth control?
Their personalities.
How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
Sit in the back and don't play.
What's the difference between a violist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
How do you get a violist to play downbow staccato?
Put a tenuto mark over a whole note and mark it "solo."
Why are violins smaller than violas?
They are really the same size...violinists' heads are larger.
What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
The coffin has the corpse inside.
Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to re-train the cellists.
Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist?
He turned a peg and wouldn't tell him which one.
How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?
One...she just holds on and the world revolves around her.
What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO?
You can negotiate with the PLO.
A musician calls that symphony office to talk to the conductor and is told he is dead. He calls back 25 times and receives the same message from the receptionist, who finally asks why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it."
"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."
Skid marks in front of the snake.
What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
The country singer may have been headed to a recording session.
What's the range of a good tuba?
Ten yards, if you have a good arm.
What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.
What does a timpanist say when he gets to his gig?
"Would you like fries with that?"
How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None...they have computers to do that now.
What did the timpanist write on his IQ test?
Nothing at all.
What's the definition of a quarter tone?
A harpist tuning his unison strings.
How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
The bow is moving.
What do violinists use for birth control?
Their personalities.
How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
Sit in the back and don't play.
What's the difference between a violist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
How do you get a violist to play downbow staccato?
Put a tenuto mark over a whole note and mark it "solo."
Why are violins smaller than violas?
They are really the same size...violinists' heads are larger.
What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
The coffin has the corpse inside.
Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to re-train the cellists.
Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist?
He turned a peg and wouldn't tell him which one.
How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?
One...she just holds on and the world revolves around her.
What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO?
You can negotiate with the PLO.
A musician calls that symphony office to talk to the conductor and is told he is dead. He calls back 25 times and receives the same message from the receptionist, who finally asks why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it."
"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."
Thursday, January 29, 2015
Military Lessons Learned
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you.
No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy. (Field Marshall Carl Von Moltke)
Friendly fire ain't.
The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
The problem with taking the easy was out is that the enemy has already mined it.
The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy a second target.
The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will shoot short.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
The quartermaster only has two sizes: too large and too small.
If you need an officer quickly, take a nap.
Suppressive fire only works when used on abandoned positions.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
Nothing is more satisfying than being shot at, and being missed.
Conspicuousness in the combat zone draws fire. Conspicuousness out of the combat zone draws sergeants.
If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
Never worry about the bullet with your name on it, rather, concern yourself with shrapnel addressed to "occupant."
All battles are fought at the junction of two or more maps printed on different scales.
All battles are fought uphill.
All battles are fought in the rain.
Logistics is the ball and chain of armored warfare (Heinz Guderian).
The army with the smartest dress uniform will lose.
What gets you promoted in one rank gets you killed in the next.
A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow (George Patton).
If orders can be misunderstood, they already have been.
Tracers work both ways.
If the enemy is in range, so are you.
War is like love. To triumph, you must make contact (Napoleon).
Boldness becomes rarer the higher in rank (Clausewitz).
Never reinforce failure; failure reinforces itself.
Only 5% of intelligence reporting is accurate. The objective of a good commander is to isolate the 5% (Douglas MacArthur).
Tactics is for amateurs; professionals study logistics.
When a front line solders can hear two General Staff officers conferring, he has fallen back too far.
Only numbers can annihilate (Horatio Nelson).
Always know when it is time to get out of Dodge.
Always know how to get out of Dodge.
Your equipment was made by the lowest bidder.
Priorities are made by officers, not God. There is a difference.
Always honor a threat.
The weight of your gear is proportional to the cube of the time you've been humping it.
Hell hath no fury like a non-combatant (Charles Edward Montague).
Fighter pilots make movies; attack pilots make history.
There are two types of naval vessels: submarines and targets.
A lost battle is a battle one thinks one has lost (Ferdinand Foch).
Surprise is an event that takes place in the mind of a commander (Jerry Pournelle).
All warfare is based on deception (Sun Tzu).
A little caution outflanks a large cavalry (Otto von Bismark).
No combat ready squadron ever passed inspection; no inspection ready squadron ever passed combat.
Five second grenade fuses burn in three seconds.
The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack force.
Radios function perfectly until you need fire support.
Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.
Parade ground inspections are to combat readiness as mess hall food is to cuisine.
When in doubt, empty the magazine.
Snow is not neutral (Frunze Military Academy Maxim).
The tank is a monument to the inaccuracy of indirect fire.
War is the unfolding of miscalculations (Barbara Tuchman).
Perfect is the enemy of good enough (Admiral Gorshkov)
He who wants to defend everything defends nothing (Frederick the Great).
If they're shooting at you, it's a high intensity conflict.
Artillery adds dignity to what would otherwise be a vulgar brawl.
Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
A sucking chest wound is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
If at first you don't succeed, call for artillery.
If artillery doesn't succeed, call the Air Force.
Mine fields are not neutral--they attack both armies.
The Claymore you set points at you.
The effective radius of a hand grenade is always greater than the distance you can jump.
The effective radius of a hand grenade is greater than the average grunt can throw it.
A mortar barrage will only put one round on the intended target. That round will be a dud.
There is no such thing as a convenient foxhole.
Odd objects attract fire---you are odd.
More aircraft are incapacitated by a shortage of spare parts than by enemy action.
No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy. (Field Marshall Carl Von Moltke)
Friendly fire ain't.
The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
The problem with taking the easy was out is that the enemy has already mined it.
The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy a second target.
The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will shoot short.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
The quartermaster only has two sizes: too large and too small.
If you need an officer quickly, take a nap.
Suppressive fire only works when used on abandoned positions.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
Nothing is more satisfying than being shot at, and being missed.
Conspicuousness in the combat zone draws fire. Conspicuousness out of the combat zone draws sergeants.
If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
Never worry about the bullet with your name on it, rather, concern yourself with shrapnel addressed to "occupant."
All battles are fought at the junction of two or more maps printed on different scales.
All battles are fought uphill.
All battles are fought in the rain.
Logistics is the ball and chain of armored warfare (Heinz Guderian).
The army with the smartest dress uniform will lose.
What gets you promoted in one rank gets you killed in the next.
A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow (George Patton).
If orders can be misunderstood, they already have been.
Tracers work both ways.
If the enemy is in range, so are you.
War is like love. To triumph, you must make contact (Napoleon).
Boldness becomes rarer the higher in rank (Clausewitz).
Never reinforce failure; failure reinforces itself.
Only 5% of intelligence reporting is accurate. The objective of a good commander is to isolate the 5% (Douglas MacArthur).
Tactics is for amateurs; professionals study logistics.
When a front line solders can hear two General Staff officers conferring, he has fallen back too far.
Only numbers can annihilate (Horatio Nelson).
Always know when it is time to get out of Dodge.
Always know how to get out of Dodge.
Your equipment was made by the lowest bidder.
Priorities are made by officers, not God. There is a difference.
Always honor a threat.
The weight of your gear is proportional to the cube of the time you've been humping it.
Hell hath no fury like a non-combatant (Charles Edward Montague).
Fighter pilots make movies; attack pilots make history.
There are two types of naval vessels: submarines and targets.
A lost battle is a battle one thinks one has lost (Ferdinand Foch).
Surprise is an event that takes place in the mind of a commander (Jerry Pournelle).
All warfare is based on deception (Sun Tzu).
A little caution outflanks a large cavalry (Otto von Bismark).
No combat ready squadron ever passed inspection; no inspection ready squadron ever passed combat.
Five second grenade fuses burn in three seconds.
The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack force.
Radios function perfectly until you need fire support.
Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.
Parade ground inspections are to combat readiness as mess hall food is to cuisine.
When in doubt, empty the magazine.
Snow is not neutral (Frunze Military Academy Maxim).
The tank is a monument to the inaccuracy of indirect fire.
War is the unfolding of miscalculations (Barbara Tuchman).
Perfect is the enemy of good enough (Admiral Gorshkov)
He who wants to defend everything defends nothing (Frederick the Great).
If they're shooting at you, it's a high intensity conflict.
Artillery adds dignity to what would otherwise be a vulgar brawl.
Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
A sucking chest wound is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
If at first you don't succeed, call for artillery.
If artillery doesn't succeed, call the Air Force.
Mine fields are not neutral--they attack both armies.
The Claymore you set points at you.
The effective radius of a hand grenade is always greater than the distance you can jump.
The effective radius of a hand grenade is greater than the average grunt can throw it.
A mortar barrage will only put one round on the intended target. That round will be a dud.
There is no such thing as a convenient foxhole.
Odd objects attract fire---you are odd.
More aircraft are incapacitated by a shortage of spare parts than by enemy action.
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
Bad Musician Jokes
Guaranteed to insult every musician...
What's the definition of a string quartet?
A good violinist, a bad violinist, a failed violinist and someone who hates violinists.
How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and play the wrong notes.
How do you make a drummer play softer?
Give him music.
What's the definition of a minor second?
Two oboe players playing in unison.
When does a violist drool out of both sides of his mouth?
When the floor is level.
How do you put a sparkle in a soprano's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
How do you get to piccolos to play a perfect unison?
Shoot one.
What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.
Why to clarinetists leave their cases on their dashboards?
So the can park in handicapped zones.
What's the definition of a nerd?
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.
What's the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax?
You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.
If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions--an in-tune tenor sax player, an out of tune sax player, or Santa Clause?
The out of tune tenor sax player. The other two don't exist.
How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five--one to handle the bulb and the other four to tell him how much better they could have done it.
A true opera lover is a man who upon hearing a beautiful blonde soprano singing in the power, puts his ear to the keyhole.
Opera--when someone on stage is stabbed, and sings instead of bleeds.
What's the definition of a quarter-tone?
Two violinists playing the same note.
What do you call fifty banjo players at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
Why are violist's fingers like lightening?
They rarely strike the same place twice.
What the difference between a sax and a chain saw?
Vibrato.
Why is a violinist like a scud missile?
Both are inaccurate and highly offensive.
How is a bassoon different from an onion?
No one cries when you cut up a bassoon.
What is the range of a viola?
About 30 feet, if you kick it hard enough.
Why do bagpipers walk around when they play?
To get away from the noise.
How can you tell when a tenor is at your door?
He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.
What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
The viola burns longer.
How many altos does it take to change a light bulb?
None...they can't get up that high.
How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten...one to change the bulb and nine to say, "I could have done that."
What's the definition of a string quartet?
A good violinist, a bad violinist, a failed violinist and someone who hates violinists.
How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and play the wrong notes.
How do you make a drummer play softer?
Give him music.
What's the definition of a minor second?
Two oboe players playing in unison.
When does a violist drool out of both sides of his mouth?
When the floor is level.
How do you put a sparkle in a soprano's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
How do you get to piccolos to play a perfect unison?
Shoot one.
What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.
Why to clarinetists leave their cases on their dashboards?
So the can park in handicapped zones.
What's the definition of a nerd?
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.
What's the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax?
You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.
If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions--an in-tune tenor sax player, an out of tune sax player, or Santa Clause?
The out of tune tenor sax player. The other two don't exist.
How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five--one to handle the bulb and the other four to tell him how much better they could have done it.
A true opera lover is a man who upon hearing a beautiful blonde soprano singing in the power, puts his ear to the keyhole.
Opera--when someone on stage is stabbed, and sings instead of bleeds.
What's the definition of a quarter-tone?
Two violinists playing the same note.
What do you call fifty banjo players at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
Why are violist's fingers like lightening?
They rarely strike the same place twice.
What the difference between a sax and a chain saw?
Vibrato.
Why is a violinist like a scud missile?
Both are inaccurate and highly offensive.
How is a bassoon different from an onion?
No one cries when you cut up a bassoon.
What is the range of a viola?
About 30 feet, if you kick it hard enough.
Why do bagpipers walk around when they play?
To get away from the noise.
How can you tell when a tenor is at your door?
He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.
What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
The viola burns longer.
How many altos does it take to change a light bulb?
None...they can't get up that high.
How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten...one to change the bulb and nine to say, "I could have done that."
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