What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombonist in the road? Skid marks in front of the snake.
What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead country singer in the road? The country singer may have been headed to a recording session.
What's the range of a good tuba? Ten yards, if you have a good arm.
What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A drummer.
What does a timpanist say when he gets to his gig? "Would you like fries with that?"
How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? None...they have computers to do that now.
What did the timpanist write on his IQ test? Nothing at all.
What's the definition of a quarter tone? A harpist tuning his unison strings.
How can you tell if a violin is out of tune? The bow is moving.
What do violinists use for birth control? Their personalities.
How do you make a violin sound like a viola? Sit in the back and don't play.
What's the difference between a violist and a dog? The dog knows when to stop scratching.
How do you get a violist to play downbow staccato? Put a tenuto mark over a whole note and mark it "solo."
Why are violins smaller than violas? They are really the same size...violinists' heads are larger.
What's the difference between a cello and a coffin? The coffin has the corpse inside.
Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes? So you don't have to re-train the cellists.
Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist? He turned a peg and wouldn't tell him which one.
How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb? One...she just holds on and the world revolves around her.
What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO? You can negotiate with the PLO.
A musician calls that symphony office to talk to the conductor and is told he is dead. He calls back 25 times and receives the same message from the receptionist, who finally asks why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it."
"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?" "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."
What's the definition of a string quartet? A good violinist, a bad violinist, a failed violinist and someone who hates violinists.
How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn? Stick your hand in the bell and play the wrong notes.
How do you make a drummer play softer? Give him music.
What's the definition of a minor second? Two oboe players playing in unison.
When does a violist drool out of both sides of his mouth? When the floor is level.
How do you put a sparkle in a soprano's eye? Shine a flashlight in her ear.
How do you get to piccolos to play a perfect unison? Shoot one.
What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline? You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the bassoon recital.
Why to clarinetists leave their cases on their dashboards? So the can park in handicapped zones.
What's the definition of a nerd? Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain? Gifted.
What's the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax? You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.
If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions--an in-tune tenor sax player, an out of tune sax player, or Santa Clause? The out of tune tenor sax player. The other two don't exist.
How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb? Five--one to handle the bulb and the other four to tell him how much better they could have done it.
A true opera lover is a man who upon hearing a beautiful blonde soprano singing in the power, puts his ear to the keyhole.
Opera--when someone on stage is stabbed, and sings instead of bleeds.
What's the definition of a quarter-tone? Two violinists playing the same note.
What do you call fifty banjo players at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
Why are violist's fingers like lightening? They rarely strike the same place twice.
What the difference between a sax and a chain saw? Vibrato.
Why is a violinist like a scud missile? Both are inaccurate and highly offensive.
How is a bassoon different from an onion? No one cries when you cut up a bassoon.
What is the range of a viola? About 30 feet, if you kick it hard enough.
Why do bagpipers walk around when they play? To get away from the noise.
How can you tell when a tenor is at your door? He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.
What's the difference between a violin and a viola? The viola burns longer.
How many altos does it take to change a light bulb? None...they can't get up that high.
How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb? Ten...one to change the bulb and nine to say, "I could have done that."
Laws of Forbidden Places Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the cloven0hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance you may eat, but not in the living room. Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you may eat, but absolutely not in the living room.
Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in sippy cups, you may drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry such therein. Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins, of any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink. But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then may you eat in the living room.
Laws When at Table
And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as they were. Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is an abomination to me. Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke.
Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you will dip your blocks in the mild, and lick it off, you will be sent away.
When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order to make noises in it sounding like a duck: for you will be sent away.
When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within; I say to you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the same to you.
Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.
And thought your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is why. And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is why.
Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go into the syrup. And now behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass.
Laws Pertaining to Dessert For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert.
But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: If you have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see, and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, bot forkfuls eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert.
But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the potatoes, still you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small portion thereof.
And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you have not, you will fall into iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have no dessert.
On Screaming
Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time. If you are given a plate of which two foods you do not wish to touch each other are touching each other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling, while you point to the offense with the finger of your right hand; but I say to you, scream not, only remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may correct the fault.
Likewise, if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to you and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from screaming. Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto death, make not that sound from within your throat, neither cover your face, nor press your fingers to your nose. For even I have made the fish as it should be; behold, I eat it myself, yet do not die.
Concerning Face and Hands
Cast your countenance upward to the light, and life your eyes to the hills, that I may more easily wash you off. For the stains are upon you; even to the very back of your head, there is rice thereon.
And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments are distributed in a manner wonderful to see. Only hold yourself still; hold still, I say. Give each finger in its turn for my examination thereof, and also each thumb. Lo, how iniquitous they appear. What I do is as it must be; and you shall not go hence until I have done.
Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances
Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time. Neither drink of your own bath water, nor of the bath water of any kind; nor rub your feet on bread, even if it be in the package; nor rub yourself against cars, not against any building; nor eat sand.
Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you should so afflict it with tape? And hum not the humming in your nose as I read, nor stand between the light and the book. Indeed, you will drive me to madness. Nor forget what I said about the tape.
(the above was sent to me by JM Massi on 16 September 1997)
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense with this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now, how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.
Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindsides you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing every day that scares you.
Sing.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss.
Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and , in the end, it's only with yourself.
Remember compliments your receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Stretch.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.
Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't.. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't . Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.
Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.
Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.
Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.
Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths: prices will rise; politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.
Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.
